CR4

This week was hard. I was a counselor at children's camp. The main problem was that I wasn't up to it. I was, of course, coming off a one-night turnaround from my previous week of camp, and I had spent a good portion of that night driving around with friends. I've done back-to-back weeks of counseling before with some success, but this week I just wasn't up to it. Of course, my kid's were exasperating. Most of them were naturally hyper and obedience-challenged, and they figured out fairly early on that they didn't really have to listen to a word I said. Much of my time was spent drawing on my considerable supply of patience to bend a half-dozen little jerks to my will through sheer persistence. Wasn't much fun.
A few disturbing things came up during the course of the week. The first was that I realized the extent to which the music I'm playing in my head affects my whole perception of the world. I really like Evanessence, but it makes me a totally gloomy and ineffective person. I realized that it's often my duty to make myself feel happy, for the sake of those around me. That means I can't always sing the songs I feel like singing, and that's really annoying.
The second thing is that I seemed to slide back into this despairing "I'm on my own" mindset I had the first week I counseled. I remember at several points that week feeling overwhelmed and thinking that I should pray for God to give me strength, and then thinking "why bother? I really don't believe it'll do anything." I believe that when life sucks and I feel like I can't go on, I am on my own. Yes, there is only one set of footprints. No, he is not fucking carrying me. Some wisdom from Adventures in Odyssey: "Grace is never measured in excess, and strength always comes when you are at your weakest. Not when you think you're at your weakest, when you truly are. So be strong in the strength that you have, and the rest will be added to you. It will be just enough." I think that's true. Yes, God is faithful, but this is what it means: "he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." God's promise is that life will suck, but it won't overwhelm you. Actually, you may well be taken right to the point of being overwhelmed, but if you try your hardest, you will be able to survive. That's not much comfort when life sucks.
But...
As much as I'd like to be really tragic about all this, there is another side to the story. I did receive comfort, support and encouragement this week, though not directly from God. (10 points if you guessed it was from other people.) This is the story of my life. I am a man who survives without God. Be in awe of me; I am Jacob, and I am strong. Yet I am deeply dependent on those around me. Some of them are like myself, living with the knowledge but not the experience of God, and they encourage me that I am not alone. Others are actually able to personally, tangibly interact with God, and they encourage me that He is there, He loves us, and He still involves himself in our affairs. Where would I be without these people? Maybe Dead. (And in heaven, in the very presence of God. Huh, I guess that defeats my point. Best to just ignore this.)
Huh, these things are getting harder and harder to write. I think because I'm forced to do it exactly once a week, and I have big time constraints and so on. My Dad's trying to get me to go to bed, so I will once again cut things short.
What can I tell you in a short time that will seem smart and make you like me, or worry about me, or feel compelled to think or pray about me? What can I do that will be noteworthy or real, or somehow of substance or value or even just interest?
(Note: If I was a good writer or an intelligent person, the questions above would be followed by an answer. But I am neither, I am just a man coming to grips with myself - my stengths and weaknesses, my peculiarities, and my strange and all-defining relationship with an unreachable God.)