Camp Recap: Week 2

Turbo mode.  I have a lot of things that need to be done in not very much time.  I will try to write quickly and concisely.
Something weird about just being at camp - this one camp in particular that I was at last week.  Just talking to people who are more conservative than I would ever consider being.  They believe things that I would dismiss without even giving them a fully formed rebuke, unless they're coming out of the mouth of someone sitting right in front of me.  Such simple faith.  I also read through my Journal for the past year, just to get a sort of idea of where I've been.  And maybe it was the journal,  maybe it was this environment, maybe it was just my time, but I decided that I've been stupid.
I actually realized several things, all of which seem glaringly obvious now.  It makes me wonder why none of you told me this earlier.  Maybe you were afraid to.  Actually, it's more likely that you have been saying this all along, and I've just never paid attention.  Like I said, some things are so foreign to my current mode of thought that I feel like I can dismiss them without really considering them.  What I realized was the following:

1. I have been fighting against God.

2. This is a stupid thing to do.

3. I am ruled, to a large degree, by the desire to have a dramatic, interesting existence.  It excites me that I can write things that people will be interested in reading.  I like feeling bad and saying so, because it makes for more interesting conversation. 

4. My desire for drama makes it difficult for me to simply come back to God when I realize I'm being stupid.  I want to hold out for some big, climactic event, where I can look back years later and say "This amazing thing happened, and it turned my life around."  This desire is hindering me.

[Stupid side note: they changed the format on my blog writer thing.  It's frustrating me, because I can't seem to make it look the way I want it to.]

Anyway, at some point last week I realized that I was struggling against God without reason - not even a lousy, human reason.  I was doing this out of habit, and because I want to make God do something big and exciting to draw me back to him.  Sure, I can say that I'm holding back because I have unanswered questions or whatever, but this is silly, because they don't really weigh on my mind as much as I try to believe they do.  Basically, I've been screwing around here for too long.  I've been holding out because I don't want to just be lukewarm, and have struggles and doubts but not have the guts to face up to them.  I now realize that my holding out it's self is totally lukewarm.  I've crawled all over this stuff, nothing new is happening.  I'm not going to come to a place where all my doubts and issues are dealt with, and I'm not going to have God come down and be real to me, so I'm just stagnating here.  I can't keep being a sort-of, kind-of Christian, a "ya, but" Christian, an "I've got special circumstances and a note from my mom, so I get to sit out this game" Christian.  I've got to either start playing by the rules, or get off the field.

What that all means: I need to start praying again.  Not these demanding, ironic, or hopeless prayers that I've occasionally thrown up.  I need to get back to real prayer.

I need to start reading my Bible again.  Who cares if I "never got anything out of it".  For one thing, I probably did, I just don't remember now.  For another, God told me to.  (Actually that's the only reason I need for any of this stuff.  As Paul would say, "Shut up, you lump of clay.  Who do you thing you are?")

I need to get over myself and start living for other people.  I've been doing this just a little bit, I've been working on it for years, but I've still got a long, long way to go and I can't afford to slack off.  It's not about me.  That's philosophical bullshit.  That's man's truth.  I need to embrace the foolishness of God: I can live for others.  I can die to myself.  I can, and I will, and it starts now.

(Nothing dramatic or fantastic about any of this.  This is not a great event, it is just a choice.  This is not stirred up passion, it is just a choice.  This is not even a change of direction, unless I make it last.  until then, it is just a choice.  God help me, and I will do this.  We will do this.)