Not So Much A Camp Report As It Is Me Just Talking About Stuff
I was a chore boy again last week. It was good. I worked rarely, slept and ate a lot, and had a few good conversations. I'm not sure quite what to tell you. I'm more or less thinking and feeling and existing the same way I have been for... How long? Weeks? Months? Every strategy and effort to change my mindset or turn my life around has failed. Every setback and discouragement reinforces my suspicion that I'm stuck like this forever. I'm only getting worse, the darkness in my heart is only getting blacker. I've mentioned that I'm trying not to think about the songs that depress me, but it's so danged hard. And really, it's not just the songs, it's everything. Thinking, almost without exception, depresses me, because I always end up thinking about where I'm at with God, and then I feel compelled to be miserable. One of these songs that gets played over and over in my mind goes like this:
There is anger in my blood
There is darkness in my spirit
There is screaming in my heart
If you listen you can hear it
There's a dragon deep inside
That I cannot seem to slay
And I begin to realize
That this shadow's here to stay
Not much of a song. (Yes, I wrote it myself. It occupied my mind for a couple days back when I worked on an assembly line for a month. To be a real song it should be longer, but I can't figure out the next part. Maybe some day.) Anyway, I think that's a fairly accurate representation of my feelings.
I recently read over my Journal from the past year. Like most things related to me, it's discouraging. Actually, it's almost like the chronology of my discouragement, which developed primarily over the past 10 months. I was so different back in September, before everything happened, I almost read the stuff I wrote then as the life of some other person. I feel a great deal of sympathy for this person, almost a righteous anger (in this case, would that be self-righteous anger?) on his behalf. He wasn't Jacob then, not really. He was a passionate young man full of potential and a desire to be all he could be and do all he could do for this great God whom he loved. Some of the things he said back then were so beautiful! They should be put on little inspirational calendars and keychains with pictures of mountains and sunsets and sold for exorbitant prices at Blessings. I don't know why God did what He did to that boy. I don't know why He left him alone and imperceptive to His voice or His touch or His presence.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Some of you will flatly disagree, and no amount of pouting on my part will convince you that I really am hard done by. Others of you will be angry with God on my behalf (as I am for the me of the past), but that doesn't do anyone any good. When I look at it as just what God is doing (or not doing) with me now, I'm not angry with him. I remember that he's God, and he knows what's best for me. (And even if he were out to destroy me, would that not be fully within his rights?) Weird, isn't it, that I can only be angry with God over some perceived slight towards some other person? If I want to be mad with him about what he's done to me, I have to step back and be the 3rd person, as I did up above. I don't know why I'm telling you this, except that it just came to me, and that I want to clarify that it has never been my intention to convince the reader that God's a jerk, or doing something wrong. I honestly don't feel that way myself, I'm just confused and stagnant and I don't know why all the things that are supposed to bring us "closer to God" seem to do the opposite for me, and I don't know how to change my life around.
What am I? This question really nags at me. Am I a really stubborn, lazy person who just wants to justify his lack of effort? Am I a really stupid person who just can't see the answer to my problems sitting right in front of me? Am I a really impatient person who used to try but gave up when it didn't work out? Am I a really self-important person who just wants Almighty God to do things his way? Am I just an unfortunate person whose natural mentality and disposition make it ridiculously hard to do what he should? (I could go on, but you get the idea.) Everyone's got a theory. Everyone's got advice (because I asked) on how to fix my problems. It's just all so confusing and overwhelming, and only one person in the universe knows who I really am and what's really going on and how to fix it. And he's not telling.
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13 comments:
Your problems aren't necessarily fixable. Sometimes, I wish I could be a buddhist: Don't just do something; stand there!
J, not every moment of our lives is happy. You are in a dark time, and there's nothing wrong with being in a dark time. You aren't sinning, or disappointing God or anyone else. Putting on a false cheer is a total crock. Life ebbs and flows, and you need to be self-aware enough (and you are) to recognize that this too will pass.
I like to swear a lot when I'm in a dark time. Maybe you should try that? One thing that never helps is arguing, which some of your "readers" as you call them, should be bearing in mind. Noone comes out of depression, however muted, by being convinced of it.
Anyway, I also wanted to give you the two references I was talking about at the muppet factory last week: Psalm 82:6 and John 10:34-35.
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Wandering Star
They are wild waves of the sea,
foaming up their shame;
wandering stars,
for whom blackest darkness
has been reserved forever.
To whoever attempted to advise you,
What kind of attitude is that? Yes there are ways out of depression-naivety and swearing will not be on this list. I've taken a couple psychology courses in my day, and I've been taught that depression is not an endless pit. (sorry to burst your bubble) There are ways to cope, and sometimes we just put a label on a problem to make it easier to swallow. The fact that "Jacob" understands his problems puts him in a different realm than those who are controlled by the effects of disorders-such as depression. What if he's just at some rut in his life, and like everyone else he's learning to deal with it by thinking things through for himself. (unliked swearing, as you suggested)
To Mrs. Anonymous:
I'd like to note that I agree with you: naïveté is certainly not a fruitful course of action. I also agree with you that depression of the sort we are discussing is not endless (for some reason you interpreted my statement about "this too will pass" as "this is an endless pit"--perhaps you are reading too quickly?) Indeed, I believe I suggested that he was in a "dark time" (what you hypothetically refer to as a "rut") and that it would pass. All in all, I don't really understand the hostility of your comment, and I am taking great pains not to fan the flames of your obvious righteousness.
I would suggest not posting anonymously, as you have been, as that does make it seem like you are a raving malcontent. Attaching a name would certainly humanize your oratory, and make it a little easier to take you seriously.
(aside to J: I'm sorry to be posting this here in your journal. I debated long and hard about whether or not to respond to Anonymous's comment, and decided that responding in kindness and conciliation would be the best course of action. Forgive my contrariness.)
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Wandering Star
They are wild waves of the sea,
foaming up their shame;
wandering stars,
for whom blackest darkness
has been reserved forever.
I just want to address the whole "anonymous" issue-is it just me, or are you anonymous as well? There is no point for you to know a name, I promise you don't know me.
Secondly, I want to apologize for the "hostility" in my comments. I realize how my comments could have been taken this way, and I want to assure you that the content of my messages are not indended as an attack. Sugar-coating the truth is not something I'm very good at-and I need to pay more attention to how I word my thoughts-so thanks for the insight.
I want to explain myself, and my reactions: let's just say that I'm the type of person who had to learn life's lessons the hard way. As hard as it might be to believe from how I've worded my comments, I have a lot of empathy for Jacob's situation. We've all felt lost, and have been blinded by what our culture deems as relevant and acceptable-but it's all garbage to me.
After numerous failures to discover the "answers" to the the human races problems(modernism etc...), our generation has unfortunetly been exposed to the belief that "nothing is for sure", and "there are no abosolute truths". Postmodernism has taken the toll on our society, and now we're more mixed up then ever.
The thing is, from what I've learned from my life's experiences, I can honestly say that we're never stuck as long as you're willing to do the work. I feel so much heartache for those who are swallowed by their circumstances, or whatever conflict that has been thrown in their path, because I've been there, yet have been shown methods to escape. People have helped me, and now I feel that I am able to help others. It's not like I'm claiming to know all the answers (I'm fully aware of how clueless I am), this is just an area which I've had to struggle with myself, and I want to help.
If you were on a boat that was sinking, and no one knew that it was except for you, what would you do? Run around and yell "hellppp", or just sit around and tell everyone that it's ok, everything will be fine. My worldview has been shaped around the "help" method.
I know you don't approve of my obvious harsh tone, but I wouldn't expect you to, especially if you're not a christian. I'm honestly not giving my opinion to offend others, or to cause contravesy-but simply to give hope. I apologize to those who don't understand.
Mrs. Anonymous:
Perhaps you did misunderstand: all it takes is a name at the bottom of your comment to move you from the realm of "anonymous" to "person". You'll note that my blog is linked to at the bottom of every one of my comments. I am known.
I don't have much to say to your comment generally, though I do think you are referring to concepts, including "modernism" and "postmodernist", without having a clue what they are about. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of a meeting my wife and I had with our christian broker at a Chapter's/Starbucks several years ago. Near the end of the meeting, my wife mentioned that the meeting spot worked out well, as I was wanting to buy the fourth book in the Harry Potter series. He favoured me with a look of abject horror and proceeded to tell me about how evil these books were. I asked him if he'd read them. He replied that he hadn't, but that he'd certainly read enough about them. Have you read any of the modernists, such as T.S. Eliot, Gertrude Stein, Ezra Pound, William Faulkner, William Carlos Williams? Do you understand to what "modernism" is referring? Have you read any of the post-modernists, particularly Jean-Francois Lyotard, Frederick Jameson, and Jean Baudrillard? Do you understand what the post-modern project was, and what it was reacting against? (hint: it's modernism)
I am curious about one thing, though. We know from 2 Kings that King David only sinned once, and that was against Uzziah (I presume that they include the adultery with Bathsheba together with his murder). And yet he penned many a psalm questionning God, something you've identified as, if not sinful, then certainly something we shouldn't do. You suggested reading Job 38. I did. I didn't find anything there to suggest that we shouldn't question God, just that he has no obligation to reply. Of course, there's also Gideon, who tested God, and who is listed as one of the heroes of the faith in Hebrews 11. Perhaps your counsel against this type of exploration of one's faith (i.e. questionning God) is out of step with the Bible to which you cling?
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Wandering Star
They are wild waves of the sea,
foaming up their shame;
wandering stars,
for whom blackest darkness
has been reserved forever.
What? Now you're mixing up different comments. I never said anything about the passage in Job. Now you're just twisting things and asking irrelevant questions. I have read from many of the modernist authors, but I admit I am unfamiliar with the postmodernists. I have taken a course of Postmodernism-but why do I need to prove this to you? I didn't define either concept in what I wrote previously. No one knows exactly what postmodernism is silly.
P.S. I really don't see a link to your blog!
I've been thinking about it, and I have this feeling you have the impression that I'm older. I'm extremly young, and very impressionable-please don't be mistaken.
Young Anonymous Person:
I'm having a little trouble understanding you--where did you take your classes in postmodernism if you are extremely young? I did assume you were at least a university student based on that comment. I won't belabour my point, beyond suggesting that postmodernism is definitely able to be grasped. We can know what it is.
As to the link to my blog, it is the bold, dark, underlined text "Wandering Star" right after this comment, with a snippet of Jude underneath. As to my confusing different anonymous posters, you can see why it would be instructive and helpful to have a name attached to things.
Lastly, if you are impressionable, I'd recommend abandoning your confrontational tone. Not only is it off-putting and not a little acerebral, it opens you up to responses that may be difficult to grapple with. Life, faith, and God are far more complex than you are representing them, and claiming otherwise so stridently will certainly cause debate that may not only impress you, but shake you.
One last thing: Internet-based "debate" rarely accomplishes anything, especially when couched in such non-empathetic dogma. It is far better to discuss, empathize, and seek common ground; build relationships (which the filthy-handed Jewish carpenter you've referenced did all the time), don't clear the temple (which he only did once).
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Wandering Star
They are wild waves of the sea,
foaming up their shame;
wandering stars,
for whom blackest darkness
has been reserved forever.
First of all, your advice as to "seeking common ground" and "building relationships" is very helpful, but I fail to see how you yourself are accomplishing this. The way you reacted to how I exposed my weaknesses makes me feel like you were doing the exact opposite of your advice by putting me down even further. I found it inconsiderate, not to mention impolite.
Postmodernism can be grasped, but it is still very difficult to define. And I am fully aware that the issues you state are definately complex, but if you notice, my comments to "Jacob" had to do with his current problem, and the topic of depression, I did not claim to have all the solutions to the general topics you have mentioned at all.
I'd also like to say that as of right now I feel no need to continue this mindless arguing with you, as it is apparent that you have quite a few years on me. I do not feel comfortable debating with someone who substitutes knowledge for cutting remarks in order to debilitate ones opinion. All this has done is made me lose respect for your opinion because of how you handled your status as my elder. For future reference, if you are wanting to actually teach and advise me, or anyone of my age for that matter, lose the disdainful tone.
To the young anonymous person, Jacob, and anyone else who has read this discussion:
I unreservedly and unabashedly apologize.
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Wandering Star
They are wild waves of the sea,
foaming up their shame;
wandering stars,
for whom blackest darkness
has been reserved forever.
I forgive you. Don't worry-I've found this whole discussion thought-provoking. And I'm also sorry for anything I've said that may have offended you.
Jacob, remind me to give you a big hug the next time I see you. I feel for ya, man. Mostly because I myself have experienced several similar bouts of these mental predicaments, and I’m confident that you can attest to the fact that these predicaments are aggravating, frustrating piles of suck. As much as I would love to be able to smugly pat you on the back & reassure you with a cheap, veneered smile that everything will get better in time, I don't know that it will. Conversely, I would smack myself quite briskly in the nether-regions for being so bold as to even suggest that the path of Christianity is one well-frosted cakewalk.
Take heart, though: the struggles you are still undergoing seem to be an integral part of being both a Christian and a human at the same time. Inasmuch as I would like to say that such struggles of faith are universal in the thriving Christian and that they actually never really seem to truly go away, I would have to admit that such a statement only holds true if I am a representative example of what a typical Christian is like. Bearing that in mind, here's what I've come to learn through my own progression(s): God is full of surprises. Although I find myself carrying around a healthy chunk of doubt which seems to become all the more manifest in those darker, shadowy phases of my life, it has come to my realisation that the importance of these doubts—over time—becomes less of an issue to me (note: from hereon in, I will replace the singular 1st person pronouns with their plural counterparts, assuming here the aforementioned condition of me being a representative member of Christianity). It’s a fantastic conundrum of faith, isn't it? We all carry around our reservations, our “but, what if?”s, our doubts about the nature of God and about the nature of our relationships with him. In the end, though, those doubts seem of little consequence in the progression of our walks with him. They do, however, become a bit paralysing during those times that they make their presence blatantly known, and it is at these points that we may become most prone to losing focus & latching on to things other than that which we eagerly desire to strive after. This I can say with certainty, due to my wonderful life experiences which so poignantly illustrate how easily such “upsets” can happen. These upsets very much remind me of a few more concrete, physical phenomena: 1.) when the human body comes into contact with a large electrical current, the muscles in the region closest too the point of contact involuntarily contract, so if a person was holding onto a bare, live electrical wire, their hand would clench onto that wire with a (literal) death grip; and 2.) the human infant acts reflexively whenever something touches the palm of its hand or the sole of its feet. The reflex is known as grasping, for the child involuntarily closes its fingers (or toes) around the object with enough strength to sufficiently allow the child to be suspended by its fingers or toes (I learned this from a Behaviourist professor, whom I had the privilege of studying under for a few weeks this past year).
Perhaps we as Christians have an analogous reflex in our spiritual lives when a strong external stimulus disturbs our unaffected state: Do we, when distressed, grab on to anything within our reach for dear life & refuse to let go, even though that which we cling to is perhaps not what we were looking for—or not something that is beneficial for us to be holding on to? I will be so bold as to say that maybe the root of your distress may be due to the possibility that you are focusing more on your relationship with God instead of focusing on God himself. It is a very subtle distinction, and I think that it is in such places where our good pal The Enemy trips us up: we think we're going along with the right perspectives, with the right focus, but maybe when we take a step back & look at what we have been doing (in my case, for the past 5 years), it turns out that we've instead been focusing on a related & very close target/goal/aim and not truly focusing on God at all. I say this to you because your situation very much makes me think of mine, and being a third party to your life makes me more sensitive to subtleties in focus. You've talked a lot to me about your relationship with God & wanting to get closer to him, etc. both in person and via written correspondence. I encourage you to maybe take a step back & consider whether or not your focus has become this relationship & its progression instead of having Christ as the central focus. It would seem to follow that a relationship-oriented perspective would be troubled by what appears to be a lack of progress &/or closeness, whereas a Christ-oriented perspective would be less worried at how things are progressing than it would be with seeking after Christ with all of our fervour—irrespective of our self-assessments. I pray that you mull these thoughts over. It may not be the case for you, for I myself am not living in your skin, but these are my thoughts. I may have more to say on this topic, but it will have to wait for a future engagement (e-mail me about it if you want).
Love you, bro. Don't worry: you're doin' good, and I'm not just saying that. At least you are wrestling with these struggles instead of doing what most of us do: ignore them. You're in my prayers.
~The Lucid Elusion~
Ugh... In the future I think I am going to try avoid reading the comments on your site Joel because I always want to reply with a big "Ugggghhhh" or "Siicccck" because really that is how I feel after reading it. I like your posts though and if I ever have anything to say about them I will respond.
If anyone responds to this it will go unread so don't bother telling me that I am going to hell, I already know.
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