The Way It Will Have To Be

I'm back from Africa. I didn't find God, I'm sorry to say. I think I may have been in the wrong part. (It's a big continent, you know.) Hopefully I'll get to do a more thorough search some day. I'm also going to camp in a couple days, which is where I often feel, if not exactly close to God, at least most favorably disposed to him.

I'm starting to wonder again if there's something wrong with me. I mean, I know there are a lot of things wrong with me, but I'm wondering if I suffer from some deep and crippling soul-illness as a result of my personal inadequacies and sins. I have long been aware that I do not see what others see (or think they see) spiritually, but for the most part I've come to accept that I live in the dark. But then every once in a while I wonder if the problem is that I'm just blind, like the dwarves in "The Last Battle".

If I am saved by grace alone, saved from and in spite of my sins, and if I am saved for relationship with God, is it possible that my sins still keep me from the relationship both God and I desire? And is it possible that my sins could still bind me while other's sins do not?

I do not claim to be worthy of relationship with God. I know myself too well for that. I know how sinful I am, and how undisciplined. When I sought God, years ago, I sought impatiently, inexpertly (though not, I believe, insincerely). If you say I sought too briefly, too imperfectly, too greedily or proudly or lazily to expect results, I will agree. But I know that if I mastered myself, overcame my desire and impatience and doubt and human frailty and devoted every breath and thought exclusively to the pursuit of God, I could never merit the intimacy with Him that I seek and so many Christians claim. As a seeker of God I deserve nothing, but which of us deserve more?

I have never heard from God, but then, I seldom speak to him. If there's any spiritual value in Bible reading I doubt I'll ever discover it - I hardly read any more. Worship for me tends to be hollow and tiresome. Tongues, healings and anointings look fake to me, even farcical. And while I could still force myself to attend services, read the Bible daily, even pray, my faith and hope are spent. I could drag myself through disciplines and routines, but I cannot believe that they will bring me to God.

It's not that I don't want to believe, it's that I am no longer able. My choice is to perform a spiritual charade and be miserable, or to ignore God (or at least my desire for him) and be at peace. If I choose the latter, I can continue to strive towards goodness and love. If I choose the former, I will be not only unhappy but ineffective. (Even thinking about this again makes me feel sick, and if I dwell on it I quickly become self-absorbed and self-abusive.)

I haven't entirely given up on earthly intimacy with God, but I am done pursuing it. If it is to happen, God must take the first step. That is the way it will have to be, because my faith is gone.