I'm Tired Tonight
Seems like I abandon more posts than I finish these days. The only time I really feel motivated to write is when I've got an essay due soon and I need something to distract me.
Why is it a struggle for me to write here? Why do I find this so draining? I think I bore myself. Life bores me, God bores me. Some conversations manage not to be boring - some. I chase after these little blessings, these connections, because they're really the only thing that makes me feel significant.
Man, I am sick of God. He seems exactly like some over-hyped celebrity. Everyone's always "God this" and "God that". I'm always reading about him, thinking about him. I wish I could live a day without thinking about God. I remember writing once about how I wanted to get away from God, but I knew I could never handle it. Now I think I could. I used to long for God all the time, but I haven't in a while, because I know it does me no good. Eventually this longing, unnurtured, wastes away.
Oh, I'm so tired. It's so hard to keep typing. It might actually be easier at this point to write some meaningless essay for English. Most of all, I want to go to sleep. I want to be unconscious right now. If only I could shut off my dreams, it would be perfect. But I wonder - if I could sleep without dreams, would I have any sensation of passing time, or would I feel like I'm waking up the instant I go to sleep? That would be worthless. Is it possible to separate the sensation of time from all other sensations, or is time just an awareness of a string of experiences? Forget it. I don't care.
I keep making these feeble attempts to think coherently about my spiritual life. It's not happening. Here's what's up: everyone seems to disagree with me about what I ought to be doing about God. I want to just ignore Him, because empirical evidence strongly suggests that this is the best thing I can do, both for my own happiness, and for my effectiveness in serving other people. (I'm even beginning to doubt that now.) No one else seems to get this. All I ever get from other people is "No, you gotta keep trying." WTF? Am I just really bad at explaining this? Or does everyone really think that me "seeking God" (whatever the hell that means) is the best thing I can do, regardless of the effect it has on me?
Had a big talk with a friend the other day about this. He's pretty sure I'm just in a "valley" right now. A big friggen valley a year and a half long, where for whatever reason God seems distant to me. I'm pretty sure this is just my life, and it's the way it'll always be 'till the day I die, and there's no sense struggling against it. I don't know who's right. How could I? I'm so weary of arguing about God and the Bible and what I ought to be doing. Maybe I should fall in love, and think about some girl for a change.
I feel like I've said this a million times: I'm willing to do whatever. I can seek God or not seek God. I can think or not think, question or not question. I can serve in any capacity, I can give my life to any cause, I can go to Africa or China, or I can stay here and do what I'm doing. I don't care. If God said "Hey, do this", I'd do it. But until such a time as he tells me what to do, I've got to just make my own decisions and press on the best I can. What else can I do? I can't follow God until I have some idea of which way he went. Until then, I've got to provide my own light, and walk my own path.
I've quoted this song before. It's still my theme song.
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8 comments:
Long time no talk to... Tanis here.
Jacob - I could tell you about Isreal wandering in the desert for 40 years, compared to your one and a half - but it wouldnt make any difference - they had a little more evidence even then (have you ever wondered how they could say that God wasnt there, or that He was cruel, when He personally led them around as a piller of fire? I cant get it) We could talk about the unfairness of Job, the sacrifice of Abraham, the cruelty that Peter and paul faced in the name of thier God... I could even yabber on about my own life, as I am prone to do. About how even now - no job, no goals, and seemingly in a place without hope - I *know* that God is here with me, and leading me *somewhere*. No - I dont know where, I dont know how - I just walk through the doors set before me.
The long and the short of it, is who you most remind me of is Solomon. - only I cant ever decide if you are the most wise man Ive ever met, or if your the most foolish ;) Ecclesiastes sounds a whole lot like you.
Meaningless, Meaningless - everything is meaningless.
and you are right.
All that we can do is this...
Fear God.
Keep the Commandments.
Worship. (its what He created us for.)
Fellowship - (with a mate, or with others, He isnt picky)
Discipline - Do what Hes set in front of you to do. Even if its just the dishes, or the laundry - its *something* to get your mind off of what you are feeling, and into service - wether to Him, or to others.
I cant say that it will revolutionalize your life. I cant say that it solves all the problems. But it does work for me.
*shrugs*
I miss you, Jacob.
ttyl, Shalom
I feel pity for you. You talk all about this pain and wonderment and you being sick of God. Well you know what, as the person above me says, people have had it worse, and I know that makes me sound like a complete ass, I don't really care all that much. I love you Jacob, I really do, and I am sad that you are sickened by God. I fear you worry far to much about the physical evidence of God, I think it all comes down to faith. Everything does I guess. I love you, and I'm sorry for the whole me being a friggen ass.
Good to hear from you Tanis. Ya, I've been thinking a bit about Israel and their desert experience. A year and a half is a long time when you're 19. Who knows, maybe I'll be 58 before I feel close to God. Or maybe God's just waiting for me to have the right attitude about it, or do the right thing. Or maybe nothing will every change. THAT'S the irritating thing - the not knowing. Should I be wrecking myself longing for God? Should I be ignoring the whole thing as much as possible? Is there a third option? Am I a really wise man or a really foolish man? Maybe I should do a poll.
Ecclesiates is a good book. Even when I'm sick of the Bible, I still kind of like Ecclesiastes. We should hang out some time, Tanis.
Anonymous: I like asses - they tend to be honest, and I've got a thing for honesty.
I wonder if I come across as a whiner. I've done my share of whining in the past, but I didn't mean for this post to come across as "Woe is me, I've got it worse than everyone else." I just wanted to say "This is how I feel: I'm depressed and confused, and I don't know what to do." I guess honesty is easy to confuse with whinyness or assishness.
I hear a lot of comments like "it all comes down to faith". You may be right, but I don't know what you mean. I don't know how me saying "yes, I'm going to have faith in X" or whatever would change anything. I've had faith before... at least, I think I have. It's never changed anything.
Thank you for loving me.
Jacob
reading your blog got me thinking. i usaully feel as if God is present and not far from me. and nothing i do ever really changes that. although there is really no evidence that i am actually is communion with God, i just assume that i am because of my assumptions of who God is. maybe i'm not close to God, i have not thought of that. i think that i experience God through experiencing this life that i have and i tend to think that God is always around showing me things an doing stuff. when i read your blog i think you are close to God and he is close to you but your like a child with a blanket over your head running into your fathers arms. or your playing i can't see you by putting your hands over your eyes. i wish that your eyes would opened. i can't not open my eyes and not think that God is there. maybe staring into a clooud would be a good idea. let yourself be filled with wonder, don't the world fascinate you? let God be God, maybe your trying to fit him into someting you can understand, that is never good. i don't know for someone who is searching i don't undrstand how God ccan feel distant to you.
you can erase the above comment i feel it is way off or something... sorry about that.
I liked it.
I think a good phrase for you Jacob is - "shut up."
The only reason people come on to your Blog is to read how you are complaining 'once again' about God and how miserable you are in trying to seek Him.
You stated that YOU are tired of hearing people say to you that you should just wait and try abit harder. Man! You are the Catalist for those remarks.
All I have to say is God Bless you, keep you and hold you. Actually I have more to say. Why don't you go out and start smoking up, drinking, comminting adultery? Do you still fear God even though you hardly believe in Him? You are a little school boy who doesn't know what he wants. In your heart you want the best of both worlds.
Jacob, I was no better off than you. Christ still called out to me. Still, you choke on your own man-made bones about God. How sad.
Once again, God Bless and Keep you. And that is not a request. It is a Statement!
"Even when we are faithless, He remains Faithful."
-bro...
My anonymous bro:
I find your comments confusing. How do you know why people read my blog? Have you asked them? Why do you suggest that I start drinking, smoking, or having sex? I don't see how that would be beneficial to me, or how it relates to my current situation.
I'm pretty sure we're not on the same page here, bro. I hope we can talk about this further, because it seems that you've misunderstood me, or I you. Give me a call, or if that's not possible, an email (psalm13@hotmail.com).
I'm glad that God has called you, and that he remains faithful even when we screw up. Please pray for me. If your assesment of my situation is accurate, I need to recognize that and make changes. Pray that God would show me what to do.
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