Life After God

I'm just a man, standing in front of God, asking him to love me.

(Oh look, I'm still harping on this. It must get annoying.) If you're not familiar, I'm alluding to the movie Notting Hill. I'm thinking that it didn't really matter that the British guy loved the actress when he let her walk out the door of his shop. He loved her, but that really didn't help her at all because he wouldn't tell her he loved her. (Uh oh, I'm giving away the ending of the movie. At least I stopped before I told you that they live happily ever after. Shoot! I've totally ruined the chick flick!)
So God loves me. This is good. But it's not too helpful when he won't communicate with me or show me that he loves me.
Man, why am I writing this? You'll just say "But he does show you. He died for you and sends you sunsets and friends to show that love." And I'll just say "No, that's not enough. I want him. Girls want their boyfriends to send them flowers, but they're not just looking for a contract that entitles them to free flowers every week, they're looking for companionship and relationship and love. Who did you like better - your rich uncle in Texas who never visited but sent you lots of cash at Christmas, or the uncle who came over and read you stories and played lego with you? I don't want God's gifts - I want him." But we've been through this before. It never really changes. Maybe it'll end some day, if God says "Fine Jacob, I had a better plan for you, but you're doing me no good being miserable here. You can have it your way." I wonder what that event would look like? Maybe it would be me being "slain in the Spirit". Maybe it would be me getting smushed by a truck.
I'm feeling restless because I can't figure myself out. If you asked me how I'm feeling right now I don't think I could tell you. I'm not sure if I'm still depressed or just really bla. I'm not sure if I'm being childish in clinging to my longings and pain. I'm not sure if I'm doing what God wants or not. I guess I'm just muddling through.
I've been really struck recently by how absent God is from our lives. There are exceptions - people who say they have real interaction with God - but most of us really have no good reason to either believe in God or not.
There's a scene in the movie Signs that I love, were Graham (Mel) is talking to his brother. I found the script on the net, so I'm going to share it with you.

GRAHAM
What you have to decide is what
kind of person you are? Are you
the type who believes in miracles
and looks for signs or are you the
kind who believes, things just
happen by chance?

Beat. Merrill is deep in thought.

MERRILL
I was at this party once. I'm on a
couch with Sara Mckinney. She was
just sitting there, looking
beautiful and staring at me. I go
to lean in and kiss her and I
realize I have gum in my mouth. I
turn and take out the gum. Stuff
it in my paper cup next to the sofa
and turn around. Sara Mckinney
throws up all over herself.
(beat)
I knew the second it happened. It
was a miracle. I could have been
kissing her when she threw up.
That would have scarred me for
life. I may never have recovered.

Merrill looks at the TV screen. Beat.

MERRILL
I'm a miracle man. Those lights
are a miracle.

Graham smiles.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
There you go.

Beat.

MERRILL
(whispers)
So which type are you?

Beat.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
Do you feel comforted?

MERRILL
(whispers)
Yes.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
What does it matter then?

The two of them turn back to the silent screen of the
television. It's a long beat before Graham speaks.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
Do you know what Colleen's last
words were before they killed her?

Beat. Merrill turns and stares quietly at his brother.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
She said, "See", and then her eyes
glazed a bit and she said... "Tell
Merrill to swing away."

Merrill's mouth opens a bit. Graham turns and chuckles at
his expression.

GRAHAM
(whispers)
Do you know why she said that?

Merrill nods, "No."

GRAHAM
(whispers)
Because the nerve endings in her
brain were firing as she died, and
some random memory of us at one of
your baseball games popped into her
head.
(beat)
There is no one watching out for us
Merrill. We're all on our own.

I think this scene is brilliant. Of course, they ruin it at the end by showing how everything works together for a purpose, but for just a moment they capture the essence of this world we live in. Maybe you believe in providence because you were miraculously saved from being barfed on. Maybe you don't because a loved one died. If I'd been in charge of this movie I would have ended it right here, because in real life, you don't get to see the end result. In real life you die, and then maybe you get to find out if you were right or not.
You and I live in a world of longing and confusion. We're not whole. Everyone's searching for something, but no one knows what it is. A lot of people think it's God. Of these people, many are Christians. Some of these say they've found God, and they're content and whole. Some of them I believe; some I don't. Some, I think, believe what they say, but maybe some day they'll realize that it wasn't true, and they've been lying to themselves all along. I think that's me.
A couple of songs I've found really express what I'm feeling these days. The first is "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2.

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

The second is "I'm Open" by Pearl Jam.

a man lies in his bed in a room with no door
he waits hoping for a presence, something, anything to enter
after spending half his life searching, he still felt as blank
as the ceiling at which he's staring
he's alive, but feels absolutely nothing
so, is he?
when he was six he believed that the moon overhead followed him
by nine he had deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact
no tradebacks...
so this is what it's like to be an adult
if he only knew now what he knew then...
i'm open
i'm open
come in
come in
come in
come in
i'm open
i'm open
come in
come in
come in
come in
lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers
he decides to dream...
dream up a new self for himself

I'm somewhere I've never been before. I've never heard of this place. I'm still a Christian - I'm not denying my faith - but I'm not satisfied with it. And I'm not satisfied with my relationships with other people. I'm not satisfied with pleasure, or with pain. I've tried isolation, I've tried community, I've tried legalism and liberalism. I've tried the Bible and prayer and worship and fasting. I've tried loving and hating, giving and taking, hoping and despairing. Nothing satisfies.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."