Everything old is new again

Someone once told me that evangelism is just one beggar telling another where he found food.

Apparently there are people in Haiti who are too poor to buy food to eat, so they buy and eat pieces of pottery, because it's cheaper. The pottery expands in their stomachs and makes them feel full, but offers no nutrition.

Somehow these two thoughts have become linked in my mind. Maybe I think that the claims we make when we tell people about Jesus are false. We talk about having a personal relationship with him and having the Holy Spirit living inside you. We talk about peace and joy, and how people may let you down but God never will. Maybe I feel like a beggar who's realized that the food he's been given is nothing but broken pots, and it feels good for a while but it doesn't really help me, and I'm dying from lack of nutrition.
A friend of mine recently asked me if I think it's possible for us to be truly content and satisfied on earth. I've been thinking about it - I'm not sure I'm confident to point at wealthy, successful people and say that their really not content (how could I know?) but I think that if we dig deep in ourselves we find that the longing for God is the deepest and strongest one we have, and it can never be satisfied in this life. We can swallow any kind of pottery - success, pleasure, human relationships, even Christianity - but we can never truly satisfy this need. It is with this thought in mind that I am turning from both my hopeless pursuit of God and my Christianity and attempting to take the edge off my hunger by working on my relationships with others.
Before I go on I must explain some of that last statement. I think I've talked enough about giving up on pursuing relationship with God, and I've touched on my turning away from what I call Christianity, but in order not to worry you (should you be inclined to worry) more than necessary, I should explain again what I mean. I don't mean that I am not a Christian any more. I don't mean that I am rejecting any of the absolute core beliefs of Christianity. I mean that I've lost faith in my idea that being a good Christian can satisfy me. Whatever "having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ" means, it doesn't satisfy me. The worship songs and the way that we view the Bible as a magical connection with God doesn't satisfy me. So now I'm turning to what I love most in life - meaningful interaction with other people - knowing that ultimately it will not satisfy me, but hoping that it will be the best thing I can do.
I was sitting on a bus today and thinking about how I would feel if I were dying. I imagined myself lying on the floor with blood flowing out of some fatal wound, looking up at the stricken faces around me. How would I feel? What would I say? I realized that I would probably feel an intense sense of regret and loss. I've reached a point in my life (a long time coming) where even in my most miserable times I'd rather remain living than die - even die in a heroic manner inspiring love and admiration. I thought about what I'd say to my friends as they gathered around me, and I think it would be something like "I never got to love people the way I wanted to. I'm dying now and it's too late, but I want you to go out and love people for me."

I like to ask people why they're Christians. It always catches them off guard, and it's a good way to start a real conversation. Often people will turn the question back on me. My set answer (in brief) is that I need God. I'm not strong enough to face the world on my own; I have to believe that someone is loving me and watching out for me.
I suddenly realized yesterday that maybe this isn't true any more. If I'm not pursuing God anymore (in fact I'm almost consciously moving away from him) and making other people my hope and my goal, why do I need God? Maybe I don't.
I'll have to tell you the story of my realization that I'm dependent on God. It goes back to the last time I asked myself why I'm a Christian and had trouble finding an answer, mere months ago. I suppose I should go back even further and tell you all the reasons I've ever been a Christian.
Being raised in a Christian home, I was originally a Christian because my Parents were Christians and the mini-culture around me was mostly Christian, and I wasn't able to think for myself. At a certain age this started to change, and I wanted to believe for some reason other than my Parent's influence. (But I still really wanted to believe.) At this point (actually, it was a very gradual process, starting maybe in Elementary School, and ending in High School) I found comfort in apologetics. I liked knowing that somewhere there were smart people who believed what I did and could back it up with convincing evidence. I liked to feel superior to non-Christians because I had accepted the truth and they were ignoring it. I actually thought (because I wanted to) that Christianity was the rational thing to believe, and if anyone could just get rid of their prejudices and look at it objectively (ironic laugh) they'd see that this was clearly the truth. And then I went to Bible School.
Without going into a lot of detail, Bible School allowed me to look deeper at the Bible and the stuff I said I believed, and it really shook my smug pseudo-intellectual faith. It really bothered me to see what seem to be clear-cut contradictions in the Bible and logical absurdities in theology. I was forced to conclude that Christianity wasn't as bullet-proof as I thought, and this inevitably made me wonder why I was a Christian. (I still really wanted to be.) I struggled to come up with something, even going so far as to say "what's stopping me from walking away from this right now?" I realized that deep down I just believe in God - whether as a result of him being hammered into my head all my life or of some mysterious need that all humans have (I think some of both) - and I'm dependent on him. I'm a fearful, weak person and I need to believe God's watching over me for my own peace of mind. I also read The Pilgrim's Regress by C S Lewis at this point, and it caused me to realize that I needed to be fair about my dependence on God. Since I've built all my security on my faith in God, rejecting that faith must also mean rejecting that security. I would have to survive on my own strength, or live in apprehension and fear. I never feel quite comfortable saying this next part, but I decided that if (as I sometimes felt) I was trying to make up this loving God in my own imagination and if (as I sometimes felt) my imagination was not up to the task, I think I could at least manage to imagine some demons. I'm not sure if that was coherent or not, so I'll try to rephrase it: I suspect that as a naturally fearful person, I would be overwhelmed by my fears if I couldn't depend on God, and would perhaps imagine (if it were not actually true) that I was being tormented by demons. This would inevitably drive me back to dependence on God. So all roads lead back to God, I just have to choose whether to go through hell first or not. At least, that's the theory.
Now I'm starting to wonder if I really do need my belief in God. To some extent, it's an academic question, because I still want to be a Christian, and I suspect I'll just twist anything that come my way to contrive some new reason to believe this stuff. But what I've got right now, I really don't like.
I think that honestly, I'm a Christian right now because it's easier to be one. First of all, as I've mentioned, I want this to be true. But also, I really don't want to tell my parents and my friends that I'm not a Christian any more. And then there's this double-edged sword, my volunteer work. I'm a volunteer in more than one Christian organization that I would not want to leave. I'm lined up - depended on - to work at a bunch of camps this summer. I would hate to give that up, and yet I could not continue to do these things if I rejected Christianity. Frankly, I'm not entirely comfortable doing these things and being in some ways responsible for other people's spiritual life even in my current state. I'm pretty good at doing the things Christians should do, but I have trouble believing the things we should believe. I don't even know if I want to counsel little kids with my present struggles, but somehow the people running the camps seem to want me. Anyway, I've come to the uncomfortable conclusion that I'm currently a Christian because my family and friends are, and it's the easiest thing to be. If you think that makes me unfit to serve, so be it. I will accept the consequences of my actions and I will not lie to myself or others to make my life easier. Respond if you see fit.
So I guess I've come full circle. I'm a Christian again for the worst possible reason - because it's the simplest thing to do.
Getting back to this idea of focusing on loving people - it's not easy. Like anything, it's an agonizingly slow process to change for the better. I see a dozen times over the past few days where I should have been doing something to spend time with other people, but I didn't, because I'm lazy and self-centered. I guess I'm interested in reaping the benefits of having deep relationships with people, but I loose interest if I have to do a bunch of stuff to get there. Hm, I think I'm loosing interest in talking about this.
I remember that I was going to talk about my fears, and how they might be affected by not believing in God. I'm wondering if I could really not handle living without God. I'm wondering which would be worse - to turn away from God and go through hell and come crawling back to him, or to turn away and realize that I don't need him and can make it on my own? I think I would be willing to face any kind of pain and torment if only to solidify my faith and my need for God, but I'm afraid that I'd realize somehow that it's all unnecessary and live the rest of my life strong and self-secure, but without hope. I kind of want to be "handed over to Satan" and whatever that may entail if only to be bound tight to God by my need for him, but how terrible would it be if nothing happened? I'm afraid to challenge what I believe, because I'm afraid it wouldn't stand up, and then I'd be totally without hope. What a wretch I am. Afraid of the truth! I don't like people who are afraid of what they might find out. "So screw your courage to the sticking point".
Maybe not. I guess I write this so that people will respond and say "Ok, that's not really a good idea because..." but I don't really expect that anyone will give me a convincing reason.

It's strange that my "spiritual life" changes so quickly. It was just a few months ago that I wrestled through this same question, "Why am I a Christian?", and found a good (if not entirely satisfying) answer. Now it's obsolete. I seem to be doomed to struggle and doubt forever. I am frustrated, and I'm going to bed.