At Least One Man's Battle

Dig my new template. Sorry, I know I just changed the thing, but I saw all my friends changing theirs, and I got the itch again. I promise I'll try to leave it like this for a little while. Anyway...

Classes ended for me on Tuesday. Having little to do and with studying out of the question, I've taken to praying. Trying to pray, anyway. I've noticed (or remembered) that prayer seems to be counter-productive for me. The same is true of fasting, and often of Bible-reading and worship.

I can't help thinking when I pray. Often my mind wanders, ending up in the strangest places, but sometimes I succeed in focusing it (however briefly) on the activity at hand. And then it'll hit me: Holy shit, I'm talking to God! It's as if I've been chatting with the clerk at 7-11 and suddenly realized he's... Orlando Bloom or someone. I start thinking about how I'm down here, just a dirty little human boy on his knees, and bending over me listening intently is God. And then I start thinking how odd it is that I don't feel like I'm talking to God, and how nice it would be if he'd make some listening noises or something.

I think about how I'd really like to have an amazing prayer life. And then I think about why. What does "amazing prayer life" even mean to me? Why is it desirable? I suppose I just want to feel close to God and to have "powerful and effective" prayers. I always kind of hope that God will be pleased with my prayers and that he'll respond somehow. Verbally. Tangibly. Circumstantially. Whatever. Maybe I just want to see cool stuff happen. Maybe I just want to feel loved.

I'm struggling with my motivations here, trying to decide whether they're "good". Maybe it's immature and selfish for me to be wanting to have some exciting feeling of God's presence. But we would never say that longing for interaction with other people is wrong. I was made to be in community with God, so I suppose I can't be criticized for desiring it. On the other hand I feel like there's something selfish about always seeking some kind of spiritual high. I feel like it would be better if I could just put that out of my mind when I pray and focus on aligning my will with God's or genuinely caring for others or something like that. I just can't get over this concept of God being so near to me, even indwelling me, knowing me and loving me and counting the hairs of my head, and yet refusing to give me the slightest taste of his presence. I recognize that at this point I should just accept that God has a better plan than I do and live with his apparent absence. I recognize that by dwelling on this I'm probably missing better things that God has for me. The best thing I could do (I believe this very strongly) would be to move on. But I can't.

This is why I gave up on real prayer some months ago. I stopped going to prayer meetings, singing most Christian songs, and even thinking about God as anything more than a distant, enigmatic force. I was loosing the struggle against my yearning for God and my frustration with his absence, and I had to essentially flee from anything that stirred those feelings. I've gotten better since then. I'm not depressed anymore, I'm able to earnestly worship God, and I've developed a belief that I hope will enable me to survive in spiritually charged atmospheres (previous post). Now I want to pray again, but I'm afraid that I'm too weak-willed to do so without lapsing back into longing.

Why do I want to pray again? I talked about the longing for God, but there's at least one other aspect - the desire to wield some kind of spiritual power in my world. Is this good or bad? There's a selfish aspect of course. I mean, it would be cool to have some kind of spiritual power. (Never mind that it would have nothing to do with my own will or glory. Just being an instrument of God would be very cool.) But there's also a simple desire to make the world a better place, to do whatever I can to advance the Kingdom, and to allow God to use me exactly how he wants to.

Unfortunately, I'm coming to the conclusion that the risks of prayer outweigh the rewards. I know from countless experiences that a prolonged and determined attempt to establish a prayer life will only make me depressed and useless. It kills me to say "I can't try to pray too much", but I think my motivations for praying are more selfish than otherwise.

I'm talking about long, deep prayer here. I pray a lot of "popcorn" prayers - "Lord help me" stuff - but I can't sit down and really talk to God, much less listen to him. At least, not without danger. I'll get the idea that it would be good to start my day by asking God to lead me, to give me strength, and to bring me opportunities to love people, and I'll end up with "Oh God, I miss you so much." What starts out as an attempt to focus on others and how I can live for them leads instead to gloom and self-pity.

I'm telling myself now that maybe this is ok. Maybe I can do the longing for God thing and not let it depress and paralyze me like it used to. Maybe I've got it more together now and I can deal with the longings. Maybe they'll even make me better somehow... I guess I don't really believe it.

At least the irony of this situation is amusing. Listen to me - "Prayer is destroying my spiritual life!" You'd think I was talking about lust or porn or something. This can't be right. What do you think - am I totally wrong here? I welcome your opinions.

Anyway, I don't think I'm strong enough to stop praying. I'm sure that within the hour I'll be lying on my face in my room trying to pray again. I can't help it - these desires are so strong. And I feel guilty no matter what I do. (Totally sounds like I'm talking about lust, doesn't it? Hence the title.)