My Predicament
I'll soon be a camp counselor again. That still feels weird. I'd sort of gotten used to the idea of never counseling again, or at least, not counseling any time soon. But somebody wanted me, so I decided to give it another shot. Counseling is something I do because it's challenging, not because I'm very good at it or particularly enjoy it. It tends to put me in curious spiritual predicaments.
There are times when I'm at camp that I feel very Christian. At times faith (or credulity) comes easier to me there, surrounded by dedicated, godly people, and doing overtly spiritual work. There are times at camp when it seems very reasonable to me that prayer would powerfully affect the physical world. There are times when God seems near - if not emotionally, then at least intellectually - and I wonder if I'm silly to be so skeptical during the other ten months.
But at other times (particularly when I'm counseling) camp is where I feel most strongly that there is no God. When I'm at the end of the rope, when I'm fed up and tired and don't know what to do, it's really difficult for me to believe that praying or trusting will somehow make the situation better. God never seems more distant than the times when I need him most.
This puts me in a bit of a predicament. I really believe that if I can keep my focus and maintain a positive attitude, I can be a good counselor. I believe that I sink or swim on the basis of my skill, my strength and dedication. But then I think, if I make this all about me and my abilities, then what the hell am I doing here? This is a ministry. It's about facilitating a connection between my kids and God (although I'm not sure what exactly that means, or if I've experienced it myself) and if I'm not relying on him to guide me and empower me, I'm probably just wasting everyone's time. And yet I can't help but believe that my success as a counselor (or anything else) is a result of my ability and preparation, and that no amount of prayer or trust can save me.
This worries me. A good counselor - an able counselor - shouldn't think this way. How did I get into this? The answer, I suppose is that the camp needed me, and trusted me (trusted my ability, I suppose), and I trusted their discernment. Maybe one of us trusted too much.
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.Where does that leave me? I want to do this right, but I can't make myself believe. Maybe I'm over-thinking this. I am what I am; all I can do is my best. And if He's all He's cracked up to be, I imagine He can work through or in spite of my modest abilities and meager faith.- James 1:5-8
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7 comments:
I think you go with what you have. Kids have problems and needs beyond just lack of faith or evangelism. I've counselled kids dealing with drug and alcohol use, sexuality, relationship problems, intellectual questions.. the list goes on.
Chances are you will meet kids that need EXACTLY what you offer (at least I did.) Kids that need to talk about dating, about the creation-evolution debate, about their discomfort with core christian doctrines, and what they want is not cookie-cutter evangelical answers... what they need is a counsellor who has been through the same struggles, who can have intelligent discussion without ramming anything down the kid's throat, and so on.
You have great knowledge and understanding of the Bible, of Christian beliefs and how they vary, or arguments non-Christians put forth, compassion and understanding for the non-Christian, and so on. These, too, are useful to a counsellor. Use your strengths.
Hope this helps. If not, well, most of counselling is babysitting and game-playing anyway.
You don't know me--I arrived at your blog through some blog-hopping a while back and was drawn in by your talk about scribes. (I actually started writing out the New Testament myself)
As I read your post, I remembered something a friend told me not long ago when I was having a similar predicament about my "abilities." She told me that not only is God's grace enough for us if we "mess up" a certain situation--his grace is also sufficient for the other person or people involved. Which, really, this is common sense, but it gave me a great peace. And it's not to say, of course, that we should cease to hold up our own end of things under the pretense that "God's grace is enough," but if we "go with what we have" like the last commenter mentioned, God's grace will more than fill in any leftover holes.
Hope that encourages you.
Peace.
For what it's worth, in regards to the kids you'll have in your cabin, the best thing you can offer is yourself as an honest, fallible human being. Some of them may have as many questions as you've had, either now or at some point in the future and being able to see you/remember you, not feel so nearly alone.
Ah heck, I see Filth-man has already said this and better. Go, have fun, and be yourself.
My dear troubled friend, Jacob
You are too smart for your own good! You make me think of 1Cor 1:26-30. You are trying to make faith logical, tangible and explainable. To say such does not mean that faith is illogical or unreal, but according to God’s own explanation, it is “foolishness” to the person who has not come to the place of truly and personally needing God. Are you at a place in your life where you need God? God will not “play second fiddle” to anyone. He is not a crutch. His solution is not a bandage. He designed us to need Him. He made us with the ability to choose or reject Him, because choice without an option is not a choice at all. But He will not settle for a second hand relationship.
It is a little like a flashlight designed to operate on batteries. It might be the most unique and carefully designed unit but with no batteries it will not serve the designer’s intended purpose. Until you and I come to the point where we need God we will not even find Him. His answer is not merely a moral renovation. He knows that without His being the source of the needed power we are helpless in our hopelessness. He offers to take the controls and be the power to be what we were designed to be.
We because of our unique ability of choice we like to be our own boss. We don’t like to take orders from anyone unless it seems to suit our own purposes. But we all have seen that person who keeps doing the wrong thing making the same stupid decisions hoping to get different results next time. Yet we refuse to turn over the control of our life to God. We think somehow that we can figure things out better than our Designer could! We have believed the same old lie that the serpent invented for Adam and Eve. He has promised us that we can be “gods” if we do it our own way. And we have become gods in our own eyes at any point we think we can do life without God.
The surrender of life to the plan of our Designer will mean letting go of the sense of independence that allows a freedom to do the forbidden, the sensational, immoral or other self centered choices. Jesus referred to it in His statement, “If anyone will come after Me let him take up his cross and follow me.” Paul the apostle discusses the topic at length. If you want a deep book on this matter check out “Born Crucified by LE Maxwell” (Mr. Maxwell was my Bible Teacher in College, he is now in glory) The book is available on line at http://www.deceptioninthechurch.com/borncrucified/index.html
I long to see you find your way through all this – I am praying for you.
“Dr.DEE”
Joel, meet the contradiction that is me. Everything I'm about to say contradicts how I live my own life. Don't whine about this shit on your blog, unless you're just looking for a boost of confidence. I assume that's probably the case, so I'll give my rant about how wicked you are the next time I see you.
Basically, in my mind, this is a simple decision. You're a wicked individual Joel. Your decision should hinge on whether or not your ideas of God are going to fuck some kid up in the future. I already know someone is going to take this serious, and tell me I'm a douche. Anyways, if you think you're going to cause a kid to be burdened his whole life (Like you) with the issue of God, don't go. Otherwise, as Jens says "Most of it is just babysitting and playing games anyway".
Mr. Joel
Well I just deleted my whole "I am very smart and listen to my great advice" post. I decided I was using to many words to say this:
Camp is for kids to have fun. Can you have fun? If so you will be a good counselor.
Oh yeah and if a kid has a question about God, you will be fine. Trust me a ten year old does not have your level of thinking. Maybe when they are teenagers and their abstract reasoning kicks in it might be a little tougher. Just show them a way to think critically and honestly, and you will be fine.
But don't over think it (she says to a philosophy major). The little children are not as conflicted as you think, they just like the girl/boy next to them. Tell them not to have sex and everything will be fine :)
After a week of counselling, what are your thoughts jacob?
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