[+/-] My Predicament

I'll soon be a camp counselor again. That still feels weird. I'd sort of gotten used to the idea of never counseling again, or at least, not counseling any time soon. But somebody wanted me, so I decided to give it another shot. Counseling is something I do because it's challenging, not because I'm very good at it or particularly enjoy it. It tends to put me in curious spiritual predicaments.

There are times when I'm at camp that I feel very Christian. At times faith (or credulity) comes easier to me there, surrounded by dedicated, godly people, and doing overtly spiritual work. There are times at camp when it seems very reasonable to me that prayer would powerfully affect the physical world. There are times when God seems near - if not emotionally, then at least intellectually - and I wonder if I'm silly to be so skeptical during the other ten months.

But at other times (particularly when I'm counseling) camp is where I feel most strongly that there is no God. When I'm at the end of the rope, when I'm fed up and tired and don't know what to do, it's really difficult for me to believe that praying or trusting will somehow make the situation better. God never seems more distant than the times when I need him most.

This puts me in a bit of a predicament. I really believe that if I can keep my focus and maintain a positive attitude, I can be a good counselor. I believe that I sink or swim on the basis of my skill, my strength and dedication. But then I think, if I make this all about me and my abilities, then what the hell am I doing here? This is a ministry. It's about facilitating a connection between my kids and God (although I'm not sure what exactly that means, or if I've experienced it myself) and if I'm not relying on him to guide me and empower me, I'm probably just wasting everyone's time. And yet I can't help but believe that my success as a counselor (or anything else) is a result of my ability and preparation, and that no amount of prayer or trust can save me.

This worries me. A good counselor - an able counselor - shouldn't think this way. How did I get into this? The answer, I suppose is that the camp needed me, and trusted me (trusted my ability, I suppose), and I trusted their discernment. Maybe one of us trusted too much.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

- James 1:5-8

Where does that leave me? I want to do this right, but I can't make myself believe. Maybe I'm over-thinking this. I am what I am; all I can do is my best. And if He's all He's cracked up to be, I imagine He can work through or in spite of my modest abilities and meager faith.

[+/-] Other Religions: A Conclusion

Devoted readers may remember that one of my projects for this last year was looking into other religions. I had two goals: to better understand what attracts people to different religions, and to see if there was anything out there that suited me better than Christianity.

The answer to the second question, at this point, is no. I didn't do a great amount of attending services and whatnot, but I talked to a few people and took a couple classes and nothing leaped out at me.

Buddhism was the most appealing. I attended a couple of classes with a local Buddhist group and appreciated their practical focus and easygoing attitude. I like how Buddhism adapts to the needs of specific cultures, and its recognition that people are on different journeys, and what works for some people doesn't work for others. Regrettably, I found meditation extremely difficult and entirely ineffective. Perhaps I can be a Buddhist in my next life.

Judaism was very interesting, but also not my cup of tea. I doesn't help that many of my greatest difficulties with Christianity stem from the Hebrew Scriptures. Also, Jewish services are conducted largely in Hebrew, which I'm not particularly interested in learning.

I didn't look too deeply into Islam, but I learned three things that turned me off: Islam in general takes a very fundamentalist view of scripture, the Qur'an focuses on Hell much more than the Bible, and Islam is essentially political. It could never work out between us.

So the bad news is I haven't found anything I can really, whole-heartedly belong to. The good news is I'm becoming increasingly comfortable with who I am. I don't feel the need to fit into any specific category. I don't need to be a Christian or a Muslim or an Atheist or whatever. There are things about Christianity that resonate with me, and things that don't. There are aspects of other religions or worldviews or philosophies that seem meaningful or true to me, and I want to incorporate them into my beliefs and practices. I suppose I'm a Christian in the sense that I'm a member of a Christian community, and Jesus is probably the central figure in my worldview, but I don't have a desire to impose any specific boundaries around my spiritual or intellectual or moral life. I'm a pilgrim.

[+/-] I'm Not A Disciple

I've recently begun thinking of myself as a disciple of Christ. I believe that Jesus called his followers not primarily to a belief system or a religion or a series of rituals, but to a lifestyle modeled after his own life and teachings.

The word "disciple", as I've said before, is not one that I'm entirely comfortable with. But I console myself that the original 12 were not spiritual supermen. At least, not initially. If a group of misguided, half-hearted, faithless, gutless, selfish outcasts can be disciples of Jesus, I figured maybe I'd fit right in.

But I was writing out Matthew 7 the other day (which gives you an idea of how slowly my project is going) and stumbled across the famous story of the wise and foolish builders:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ... But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand."

-Matt 7:24,26

This is the conclusion to the longest - and probably the most challenging - sermon recorded in the Bible. First Jesus says blessed are the meek and the mourners, and lust is as bad as adultery, and turn the other cheek, and love your enemies, and don't worry about where your next meal is coming from, and ask and it will be given, and (my personal favorite) be perfect, like God. Then he says, in effect, "follow my teaching, or you're headed for destruction". No wonder people were amazed.

I suddenly remembered that discipleship is serious business. You don't call yourself someone's disciple because you respect them, or you agree with them on certain points. A disciple is someone who is whole-heartedly committed to imitating and obeying his master. There are no part-time disciples.

Honestly, I don't agree with everything Jesus said. I agree with him more than most people in the Bible, but I'd be lying if I said I even wanted to submit to everything he taught. So I probably shouldn't call myself his disciple. At least, not yet.